Its really early in the morning but I can't seem to go to sleep so I guess maybe writing what is bothering me will help. So last night Colin spend the night and we slept together and right afterwards he tells me that maybe we shouldn't sleep together anymore because he is interested in another girl that comes into his store...and what do I think? So of course I started crying....and then he was about to leave so I made him stay and we talked for a long time and went and got food and then he was being nice again and being kinda sweet...and we ended up sleeping together again...we fell asleep and we woke up and fell back asleep a couple times and then he got up like he had been bitten and said he was going...I dunno what to think of the whole encounter....my roommates think he is confused about what he thinks and is trying to get me to make a choice for us, so that if I am hurt by what happens it will be my fault. I just don't know...I want advice that I can use to deal with this...

I miss hanging out with Colin, we have only hung out a couple times in a couple weeks... there is a girl at his work that has a huge crush on him, shes pretty and kinda punkish which he likes and I can tell he likes her, and so I was trying to be nice the other day when it was all snowy out she was going to walk home from safeway and I asked if she wanted a ride....so after good byes she go in the car, Colin was out side trying to scrape ice off of his car. As we were leaving she stared at him the entire time until you couldn't see him anymore...she knows all about us dating and everything...I really felt at that moment that we were over because here sitting next to me is a girl that has that fluttery feeling about Colin just like I had when we first got together, it made me think that she deserves to be happy and he does too and I can see how he feels when I watch his eyes on her, he seems to think that no one knows him but I do and I can read his body speech a mile away...
I feel like I am being selfish that I would be upset if they got together but a part of my mind keeps telling me "they should be happy, you are causing them to be unhappy by being around" my mind is a bunch of swirling dark clouds, unhappy thoughts randomly touching down like lighting...I have trying to pretend its not happening (its not working). It seems like the only times that I really want to write is when I am not at the top of my game....

Since my last post I have;
had a birthday the big 20...
moved into a new house...
moved monkey to my grandparents house...
started my externship...
cut back my hours at Papa Johns...
seen Britt's new baby (Jocelyn 6.7 18in)...
bought 4 new cds...
started a facebook...
this is about it for now...but lately I have been stuck inside since the snow...

I need something constructive to do...
I really wanna get a tattoo...I don't have things set in stone as to what I want...I figure before I change my body for the rest of my life I better be pretty damn sure about what I want to do to it...I think body art is awesome...I wish my work and externship would allow a bit more...too bad...I want get a lip ring... and get my ears redone...sad...
I also wanna do my hair again...too bad..."health care workers must always have a wholesome appearance"....grrrr
I feel like all my personality is floating away...I don't get to be me with out being able to be craSy...it makes me feel drained...like I am part of a huge group of really boring people who have no life... meap meap...
I miss my life with Colin...
he just pushes me away now, he doesn't have love in his eyes when they meet mine...
I just want someone to make happy...
and to sleep next to...
I miss kissing him...
I miss the goofy looks...
I miss tickling him...
I miss bringing him dinner while he is at work...
I miss it all....
I miss everything...
and I feel like its all my fault...
I did something I don't regret yesterday...yep...
My teacher told me that when I get health insurance I should look into ADD meds...
it seems like a lot of work to take a pill everyday...like being tied down to that little brown bottle...I heard that they can be addicting...scary...
I am a bit odd about things that I think are addicting... I will suddenly stop what ever it is for long periods of time to make sure that I am not comming to rely on it... like coffee or mary j or things of those nature...
Speaking of nature...I miss my trees from the island...I think about them a whole bunch I wish that I could live there again just for the trees...they represent life to me...as well as water...I miss swimming as well...
I want to learn how to snow board! Colin is going up Sat. I wish someone would teach me...my stupid friend Aaron keeps saying he is going to and never does...I was supposed to go this sunday with him...how come he is such a flake? He lives in Porttownsen and comes over here all the time but never sees me...he says that since he came and saw me last (over a year ago) that its my turn to come see him...it feels a little unfair since he is over here pretty often...o well...
...

I wanna have a snow ball fight and I am willing to drive to it!!! Alas...no snow ball fight is in sight for me....grrrr! why are all the people I know so freaking lame! Yeah thats right...LAME...cough I don't know why I am so awake ....I can't blame it on caffine...being that I haven't had any since ummm 3 or 4 o'clock today...and that was only espresso beans covered in dark chocolate....starbucks version...I miss my kitties... :'( grrr why am I so awake? You know all those ads for sleeping aides...like the ones with the lamps, where they have a whole bunch of people tossing and turning in their beds because the light is on in the lamps floating above their heads? I feel as though its not a lamp but instead a searching beacon thingy...or maybe just a sunny day with light flooding in every window? So my roommate seems to thing I am a coke head...yeah who is to say that, when he is getting up to go to work at 8 or 9 and I am still awake reading on the couch, that it equals coke head.... I certainly don't think so...cough cough...I wish I could blame it on coke....that would be way way easier...maybe if I just start messing with my nose all the time it will all make sense...
I came really close to telling someone to go fork themselves...he and his stupid friends almost hit me today...I was driving along and then I see a car comming from the freeway exit going rather fast since its icky out...but I figured, "hey he has a yeild sign, so hes going to stop"....WRONG!!! no he didn't stop or even attempt to...and then when I jerked into the other lane he had the gall to yell...it was more than enough that if he had hit me it would have been all his fault and he would have gotten a ticket and stuff, being that he had the yeild sign and the red light...
people are lucky I have self control...
it took FOREVER to get home today.... 99 north bound was blocked off...2 of the I-5 entrys were blocked off...the under the bridge way back to my home was blocked...so I called just about anyone who I thought would be up...with no avail..I finally ended up driving way south to loop back around to I-5 north bound...
hummpffhh!
I love snow too bad its hard to get anywhere...Miranda was stuck in traffic for over 4 hours...krasy yes I think so...people are nuts out there...I felt bad for her...my stupid computer froze as I was trying to give her a alternative route...
I really wanted to hang out with people today...I tried hanging out with Mindy but its not fun anymore shes so caught up in the mess shes made for herself that its all she thinks about...shes in a pickle thats for sure...shes going to start smoking again I can feel it...she said she misses it...and not weed she wants cancer sticks...goodness...
the more I think about life the more I want to hide in a hole today...
its sad...

So I am and have been watching the Tyra Bank's Show today...it was a girls try being a guy for the day...Tyra does it and another girl does it to see what her boyfriend does when hes out with the guys....
hehehe... its amazing how much they end up looking like a guy...anyway her boyfriend goes to a strip club and gets a lap dance and all that good stuff...I dunno I guess I really have mixed feelings about it...I mean while its kool that they are still comming home to their girlfriends at the same time I have a hard time beliving that they don't still have those girls in their heads when they come back to you...and that it is not about you when your together any more...
I guess I just feel like I am not enough because of the need for other girls...I understand it at the same time, that its not about the girls that give the lap dances or the girls on the websites or the girls on the movies...
its snowing again...I wanna go play out side...speaking of snow I ran over a huge part of a tree early in the am today...I was driving to catch the ferry and it came too fast to do anything but slide into it...I had to have a bunch of other people get out and help me get it out from under my car...yep...anyway I have to go get ready for work...

Today I went and looked at a bunch of apts...no luck though, when I started to ask about rent and power and stuff the bill was quickly racked up to almost 800 rather sad when it started out at 675 which was already more than I could afford...Mindy called at like 8 or 9 in the am and I had stayed up rather late the night before...speaking of the night before last night Colin went to hang out with Lauren hes hanging out with her again tonight...it kinda started to bother me, but then I came to the conclusion that he is going to do what he thinks is right and I trust his judgement o well...I am going to go eat...

Today, I woke up on the same couch as Khori after watching 3 movies and falling asleep to the last one and when I rolled over I had the horrible I don't wanna be here feeling...but soon Aaron Holmes came in and things were better...What is it about guys when you say no that they think its ok to continue? Khori kept trying to get me to kiss him...not a place I wanted to go...we never kissed but if I had let down my guard I know he would have swept in and planted one on me...hes a nice guy but we don't share the same view points on many many things...he thinks that 3 somes are a must and the mutal masterbation is the greatest thing on the planet...he will always only be a friend...any how besides that blurb I called colin to hang out today and he said he was going to hang out with Valerie and then go to his parents and then to a movie with cody and john and then go hang out with Lauren one of his girl friends...so I had planned to hang out with him in between cody and john and Lauren...he called and sounded like he wasn't going to so I started to get sad..but then we made plans and meet at starbucks...I don't entirely know how long we talked for maybe an hour...I have been grinning ear to ear since then and I feel like a lot of weight has been lifted off my chest...we aren't going to date now but we are going to see each other 1 time a week and try to work towards a relationship again... :) I am so much happier...

Today dragged on...I started work much much earlier than I normally do. It was a little longer than normal but not horribly so..I am currently trying to find a home for my cats...I want to give them away to good people...hopefully after their gone I won't miss them too much...
I went to Colin's work today to talk to Mica, Nate, Phil and Sandy. It was nice to see them again...good stuff...my neck hurts a lot today...I didn't fall asleep till 7 in the am last night...I can't seem to turn my brain off...I keep going over possible out comes off how things are going to go in the future...I really wish I didn't care so much about him...

So I went out driving and I drove on 99 all the way through down town and then on a back road into the U-district then I had to make a couple turns I didn't mean to make because of the stupid one way streets...I ended up near the UW medical center...Which was not quite where I ment to go. Finally after winding my way back to 99 onto the 45th st exit, I took 99 north by driving across a double yellow line, but I made sure no one was around...I took 99 north back to my house and stopped for gas on the way up...at the gas station there was a decently nice car parked at the pump in front of me and a rather shady looking guy who, when I stopped and turned off my car started to wander over to the car...he looked like he was drunk and a bum and he tried to get in the passenger side a couple times with no luck....I quickly locked my car went in to the gas station and told the attendent about it and he came out side and so did one of the taxi drivers in the store...they asked if it was his car and then another guy came from the bus stop and unlocked it and the drunk guy fell down and the other one tried helping him up and they both looking rather drunk and high, poured themselves into the car...the taxi driver waited with me until I pumped my gas and was in my car to go to his and left...I thought it was rather nice of him...I bet that he has kids my age...anyway after thinking while driving this is what would not leave my head so I feel that maybe it might be better to write it down...
I still am inlove with colin and its all I seem to be able to think about... I have been doing the final check offs at my school (such as final blood draws, names of instruments etc...) For one if them , which was supposed to be sterile surgery...I dropped a tray of sterile surgical tools...I have to go back next week...I feel so stupid I can't seem to do normal things with any sort of control. I don't feel like he cares either way how I feel, his life must be so much better with me out of it... I know I am complaining but it feels so much better to have it out of my head...I haven't had anyone to talk to about it since Mica...

Today I finally broke down and called him....I then asked if we could talk tonight and he said I could come in to his work...I asked if it would be easier after work and he said no....then I asked if he was going to the island to visit his friends and he said no he had other plans....I think he might already be out with another girl...I don't really know...I was half tempted to drive to his house and see...but no..I think that thats not an acceptable thing to do...I bet he is out with a girl though...it just seems a bit soon to be doing that...we have only been broken up since monday night making this night 4...he said he wasn't looking to date anyone else when I had talked to him before and that if he did it wouldn't be for months...o well people can change their minds...I would kinda like to know if he is though...it wouldn't make me happier but I feel like I would be able to handle it a little better, if I ran in to the two of them somewhere...I know he wouldn't tell me if he was seeing someone else...he considers his relationships not anyone elses to know about so...yeah, I know if he was doing stuff with someone he wouldn't feel that I had any right to know...I know that I kinda feel the same way but if he asked me I think I would respect him enough to tell him...I don't know that he cares about respect though...there are some things I know he does but not when it comes to telling me anything.
I feel hopeless, like I am sinking in a pit of quick sand
as I watch it form around me I try to stop struggling to make it better, it doesn't seem to help
I don't feel like I am holding it all together, its tearing at all the seams and I helplessly have to watch it break apart
I wish I had a hand reaching out to save me but the more I look around the farther away everyone feels.
Its almost 4 and I think I am going to go out driving...

I went to safeway (where Colin works), I sat in my car watching his work and I waiting until he wasn't there and went in to talk to all the people I know there...it was nice to talk to Mica a guy that works in the deli...he knew what I was going through and it made me feel a little better...I was going to go hang out with Loren today but his phone line was busy for a long time....he is always helpful to talk to...o well sunday maybe...time to go drive around...driving when I am sad seems to help...unless I am crying cause then I can't see anything....anyhow I'm out

Get off the phone if you get this now.....grrrrrr I have been trying to call....!!!!!!!!!!

Last night I had a couple people over from my school...we went on a field trip today to see the body display in down town, they wanted to get drunk...so while Ashlee and Meryl were busy getting drunk with my roommate I sat back and watched the whole thing happen...I feel kinda unplugged from the world...
I watched the emotions play on their faces and just felt numb to it all...I wish instead of feeling so disappionted I felt bitter...because at least then I would be feeling something that I could put my emotions out towards...like hating him would be so much easier... I cannot hate him though...

I feel so alone...

I feel like I have fallen right on my stomach...it is so knotted...every time I hear a car door slam outside I jump off the couch thinking its him, thinking hes come to say that he was kidding and still needs me and wants me...my roommate came down to get some orange juice...he asked what happened and I told him...he kinda seemed to care...maybe I read too far into it...not like it matters...I am so cold why can't it be warmer in here...I should retreat back to my blanket...I just feel like my mind is bursting with thought...at the same time it feels so blank I wonder how I passed school...its so icky being by myself...I can't dry my eyes again...I can't cry anymore...the only thing that keeps me from harm right now is I have to go do final blood draws this week..running away from everything sounds like the best bet right now...my life is falling apart...somebody save me before I drown...
"lonely" by Akon just came on stupid random crap on computers..
I never meant to make Colin so unhappy,
I never meant to make our life end up stopping together,
I always wanted the best for him,
I always loved him,
"One more sad song" by All American Rejects ="one boy one girl two hearts their world"
"all the perfect words seem so wrong"
"stay don't go away, the hardest thing is letting go"
*in an hour glass sand is starting to settle on the tip of my nose*
Colin if you happen to read this...heres a song that never fails to remind me of you....
"I will follow you into the dark"=Death Cab For Cutie
I have nothing else to say for now...

So I am sitting there, thinking why does he keep not eating? Why do I have to keep force feeding him food? I knew something was wrong. It in fact wasn't something...it was us. We are done. We are not we anymore, we have become him and I... this is a big change...I don't know how to swallow such a huge mouthful. A little help here, I think the walls are trying to eat me. Maybe if I went outside the world would swallow me whole. I feel the blackness bidding its time agaisnt the light I have on. I am so tired yet so not ready to go, go back to a bed I know I will never have Colin snuggling next to me in. I feel so grim. I was sitting on the stairs at his house and his brother Tam came home and asked if I needed anything, I must have looked horrible. I kept feeling like I was going to throw up, and any makeup I had left was down my puffy face, I sucked up a huge snot ball and managed to weakly cough out a reply, which I think was "your brother just broke up with me"...I don't know why that came out. I should have said thank you but no I don't need anything...no I am foolish and akward and can't reply to a simple question. *thank you, thank you takes a bow, I will be here all week*. Anyway I can't sit here anymore...I need to go away...I don't know where but any where seems easier... good night/morning....

I went over to Colin's house today, we ate some pizza I brought over, he broke up with me. I am not bitter just numb...

I was sitting online talking to people, when someone who I hadn't talked to in forever came online I said hi, I hadn't seen or heard from him in like 3 or 4 years. I never went out with him. I kinda liked him at one point, I had only kissed one person when he and I kinda had a thing...we made out like once. This is the conversation...will someone tell me what exactly I did wrong to make him say the things he did...
~*Hi-D*~ says:
hi
Mr. Inman says:
who is this
~*Hi-D*~ says:
Heidi
~*Hi-D*~ says:
this is jason right
~*Hi-D*~ says:
?
Mr. Inman says:
heidi who
~*Hi-D*~ says:
From church
Mr. Inman says:
?
Mr. Inman says:
ooh
~*Hi-D*~ says:
Youth Group
~*Hi-D*~ says:
lol
~*Hi-D*~ says:
did it finally click?
Mr. Inman says:
no
~*Hi-D*~ says:
...
~*Hi-D*~ says:
do you still live on whidbey
Mr. Inman says:
yes
~*Hi-D*~ says:
kool kool
Mr. Inman says:
how old r u
~*Hi-D*~ says:
19
~*Hi-D*~ says:
your 18 right?
Mr. Inman says:
no
Mr. Inman says:
19
~*Hi-D*~ says:
o
~*Hi-D*~ says:
sorry
~*Hi-D*~ says:
hummm
~*Hi-D*~ says:
I lived on Deer Lake when we hung out
Mr. Inman says:
okay
~*Hi-D*~ says:
I came over to your house
Mr. Inman says:
when
Mr. Inman says:
?
~*Hi-D*~ says:
long time ago
Mr. Inman says:
hmmm sorry dont rememer, where do u live now
~*Hi-D*~ says:
Seattle
~*Hi-D*~ says:
I moved out when I was 17
~*Hi-D*~ says:
I have had my own place since then
Mr. Inman says:
sweet im moving out, and my girlfriends coming to live with me
Mr. Inman says:
after college and what not
Mr. Inman says:
but maybe sooner
~*Hi-D*~ says:
where are you going to school at
~*Hi-D*~ says:
?
Mr. Inman says:
im 19...................i graduated..
~*Hi-D*~ says:
I thought you might be going to college
Mr. Inman says:
not sure yet, i have a good job now working for my girlfriends dad
~*Hi-D*~ says:
what are you doing?
Mr. Inman says:
comstruction, remodels
Mr. Inman says:
her dad owns custom remodel so its a good small business
Mr. Inman says:
but your kind of slow so im gonna go
Mr. Inman says:
hope u have a nice life
~*Hi-D*~ says:
lol
~*Hi-D*~ says:
do you remember me though?
Mr. Inman says:
no, give me something that would make me remember u
~*Hi-D*~ says:
I am going to feel stupid if you don't
~*Hi-D*~ says:
ummm we made out on your bed and you stole my gum
~*Hi-D*~ says:
I dated jordan
Mr. Inman says:
u stupid bitch i keep telling u i have a girlfriends, dont u have any respect?!
Mr. Inman says:
heidi Hoe i remeber now
Mr. Inman says:
bye
~*Hi-D*~ says:
...it was like 3 or 4 years ago
Mr. Inman says:
girls just dont get it
~*Hi-D*~ says:
get what
~*Hi-D*~ says:
?
Mr. Inman says:
they think we want to remeber that stuff, ive had a girlfriend for two years, i dont need to waste me time talking to some girl
~*Hi-D*~ says:
I guess I figured since you have a girl friend and I have a boyfriend that something that happened so long ago would not cause emotions at all but instead I was just trying to help you to figure out who I am...I felt silly talking and having a conversation with someone who didn't know who they were talking to
Mr. Inman says:
well thats nive
Mr. Inman says:
nice
~*Hi-D*~ says:
it was one time
~*Hi-D*~ says:
and it was nothing amazing
Mr. Inman says:
u should have told me u have a boyfriend
Mr. Inman says:
well my girlfriend is
Mr. Inman says:
so u were a waste of time
~*Hi-D*~ says:
lol I hadn't kissed any one else in a year and you were the 2nd person I kissed
Mr. Inman says:
and i would say it ment something since u brught it up
~*Hi-D*~ says:
I still didn't know what to do
Mr. Inman says:
and u think i care because
~*Hi-D*~ says:
not saying you care...
~*Hi-D*~ says:
just explaining
Mr. Inman says:
why wuld u
~*Hi-D*~ says:
no idea?
Mr. Inman says:
w.e dont even talk to me again
~*Hi-D*~ says:
ok what exactly did I do wrong?
Mr. Inman says:
hey do the guys a favor and write slut on ur forhead to give us a heads up

so what did I do so wrong?I don't get it...and I hate everyone for being so mean. :( O well I think I just bring out the worst in everyone...
good night.

Anyone else love watching scary movies/shows? I am a total nut for them...I have begun referring to Super Natural as my show...geeky? I think so...o well. It makes me smile which is a great thing...yep well I am off to watch a movie with colin...