naked_monkeys

Margin

Of fate,

Behold my blind sighted error

In judgment's keen discipline

Of my limited offer on redemption

I seek a closed door

You give me an open window

Why?

Since my last post I have;
had a birthday the big 20...
moved into a new house...
moved monkey to my grandparents house...
started my externship...
cut back my hours at Papa Johns...
seen Britt's new baby (Jocelyn 6.7 18in)...
bought 4 new cds...
started a facebook...
this is about it for now...but lately I have been stuck inside since the snow...

Today dragged on...I started work much much earlier than I normally do. It was a little longer than normal but not horribly so..I am currently trying to find a home for my cats...I want to give them away to good people...hopefully after their gone I won't miss them too much...
I went to Colin's work today to talk to Mica, Nate, Phil and Sandy. It was nice to see them again...good stuff...my neck hurts a lot today...I didn't fall asleep till 7 in the am last night...I can't seem to turn my brain off...I keep going over possible out comes off how things are going to go in the future...I really wish I didn't care so much about him...

So I went out driving and I drove on 99 all the way through down town and then on a back road into the U-district then I had to make a couple turns I didn't mean to make because of the stupid one way streets...I ended up near the UW medical center...Which was not quite where I ment to go. Finally after winding my way back to 99 onto the 45th st exit, I took 99 north by driving across a double yellow line, but I made sure no one was around...I took 99 north back to my house and stopped for gas on the way up...at the gas station there was a decently nice car parked at the pump in front of me and a rather shady looking guy who, when I stopped and turned off my car started to wander over to the car...he looked like he was drunk and a bum and he tried to get in the passenger side a couple times with no luck....I quickly locked my car went in to the gas station and told the attendent about it and he came out side and so did one of the taxi drivers in the store...they asked if it was his car and then another guy came from the bus stop and unlocked it and the drunk guy fell down and the other one tried helping him up and they both looking rather drunk and high, poured themselves into the car...the taxi driver waited with me until I pumped my gas and was in my car to go to his and left...I thought it was rather nice of him...I bet that he has kids my age...anyway after thinking while driving this is what would not leave my head so I feel that maybe it might be better to write it down...
I still am inlove with colin and its all I seem to be able to think about... I have been doing the final check offs at my school (such as final blood draws, names of instruments etc...) For one if them , which was supposed to be sterile surgery...I dropped a tray of sterile surgical tools...I have to go back next week...I feel so stupid I can't seem to do normal things with any sort of control. I don't feel like he cares either way how I feel, his life must be so much better with me out of it... I know I am complaining but it feels so much better to have it out of my head...I haven't had anyone to talk to about it since Mica...

I went to safeway (where Colin works), I sat in my car watching his work and I waiting until he wasn't there and went in to talk to all the people I know there...it was nice to talk to Mica a guy that works in the deli...he knew what I was going through and it made me feel a little better...I was going to go hang out with Loren today but his phone line was busy for a long time....he is always helpful to talk to...o well sunday maybe...time to go drive around...driving when I am sad seems to help...unless I am crying cause then I can't see anything....anyhow I'm out

Get off the phone if you get this now.....grrrrrr I have been trying to call....!!!!!!!!!!

Last night I had a couple people over from my school...we went on a field trip today to see the body display in down town, they wanted to get drunk...so while Ashlee and Meryl were busy getting drunk with my roommate I sat back and watched the whole thing happen...I feel kinda unplugged from the world...
I watched the emotions play on their faces and just felt numb to it all...I wish instead of feeling so disappionted I felt bitter...because at least then I would be feeling something that I could put my emotions out towards...like hating him would be so much easier... I cannot hate him though...

I feel so alone...

I feel like I have fallen right on my stomach...it is so knotted...every time I hear a car door slam outside I jump off the couch thinking its him, thinking hes come to say that he was kidding and still needs me and wants me...my roommate came down to get some orange juice...he asked what happened and I told him...he kinda seemed to care...maybe I read too far into it...not like it matters...I am so cold why can't it be warmer in here...I should retreat back to my blanket...I just feel like my mind is bursting with thought...at the same time it feels so blank I wonder how I passed school...its so icky being by myself...I can't dry my eyes again...I can't cry anymore...the only thing that keeps me from harm right now is I have to go do final blood draws this week..running away from everything sounds like the best bet right now...my life is falling apart...somebody save me before I drown...
"lonely" by Akon just came on stupid random crap on computers..
I never meant to make Colin so unhappy,
I never meant to make our life end up stopping together,
I always wanted the best for him,
I always loved him,
"One more sad song" by All American Rejects ="one boy one girl two hearts their world"
"all the perfect words seem so wrong"
"stay don't go away, the hardest thing is letting go"
*in an hour glass sand is starting to settle on the tip of my nose*
Colin if you happen to read this...heres a song that never fails to remind me of you....
"I will follow you into the dark"=Death Cab For Cutie
I have nothing else to say for now...

So I am sitting there, thinking why does he keep not eating? Why do I have to keep force feeding him food? I knew something was wrong. It in fact wasn't something...it was us. We are done. We are not we anymore, we have become him and I... this is a big change...I don't know how to swallow such a huge mouthful. A little help here, I think the walls are trying to eat me. Maybe if I went outside the world would swallow me whole. I feel the blackness bidding its time agaisnt the light I have on. I am so tired yet so not ready to go, go back to a bed I know I will never have Colin snuggling next to me in. I feel so grim. I was sitting on the stairs at his house and his brother Tam came home and asked if I needed anything, I must have looked horrible. I kept feeling like I was going to throw up, and any makeup I had left was down my puffy face, I sucked up a huge snot ball and managed to weakly cough out a reply, which I think was "your brother just broke up with me"...I don't know why that came out. I should have said thank you but no I don't need anything...no I am foolish and akward and can't reply to a simple question. *thank you, thank you takes a bow, I will be here all week*. Anyway I can't sit here anymore...I need to go away...I don't know where but any where seems easier... good night/morning....